HOW BAD CAN THEY BE? BRIEF, SNARKY COMMENTARIES ON FILMS I DIDN'T LIKE.

 Sometimes negativity can be extremely healthy. Not to mention loads of fun. Here are some one-star movies I managed to sit through. Comments are always welcome. Let me know if I trashed one of your favorites.

DIMPLES (1936) 

One of Shirley Temple's least likable vehicles. By 1936, Little Miss Perfect was starting to lose some of the magic that had made her a star. It doesn't help matters that the story here is derivative and dull. Once again, she's the adorable orphan who's being cared for by a lovable but slightly crooked adult, this time Frank Morgan, three years before he landed in Oz and achieved cinematic immortality. The dullness of the story is interrupted (too) frequently by equally dull songs and dances, all performed by Miss Temple, while the other cast members look on adoringly. We also get treated to a performance of Uncle Tom's Cabin with Miss Temple playing Little Eva and everyone else wearing blackface. The finale is a lively minstrel number complete with tambourines. Skip this one and go watch BRIGHT EYES (1934) again.

BURNT OFFERINGS (1976)

I saw this film when it was first released and thought it was an exercise in overkill. Recently I watched it again after forty-some years. It hasn't necessarily improved with time. It's a fairly ridiculous horror film with some atmospheric sets and one or two impressive moments. Bette Davis chews every bit of scenery she can sink her dentures into. Oliver Reed seethes with an intensity that isn't warranted by the silly story. And Karen Black is stuck somewhere in the middle, trying to bring life to a poorly conceived character. With Eileen Heckart and Burgess Meredith. Directed by Dan Curtis, the creator of DARK SHADOWS.

BEYOND THERAPY (1981)

Absolutely one of the worst movies I've ever seen. Robert Altman must have been binge-watching Woody Allen movies while smoking crystal meth. I never dreamed it would be possible to make Glenda Jackson look like an amateur. We won't even discuss Julie Haggerty or Tom Conti. Christopher Guest manages to generate a few laughs. Jeff Goldblum does NOT transform into a half human/half fly creature, although it could only have helped the movie. There are three complete renditions of the song Someone To Watch Over Me, by Linda Ronstadt, Lena Horne, and Yves Montand. You'll never want to hear the song again after this ordeal is over.

BEWARE! THE BLOB! (1972)

This movie is so bad. So unbelievably bad. The word "bad" isn't nearly bad enough to describe it. Larry Hagman directed. Why he would do such a wretched thing remains a mystery. Maybe he hated humanity and wanted us all to suffer. Beware this movie!!

OUIJA: SUMMONING (2015)

An ill-advised encounter with a Ouija board unleashes an evil murderous spirit that attaches itself to an irritating teenage girl. As she becomes even more irritating with each successive scene, half the cast winds up dead. This includes a priest, who shows up in the middle of the movie to sprinkle holy water on everything in sight, while looking as pensive as humanly possible. If you happen to be a jump scare junkie, then you can get your fix here. Otherwise, the only other things that rate a thumbs up are the dark atmosphere and the decent cinematography, attributes that can be found in even the cheapest of horror flicks these days. But not even atmosphere can overcome a weak story and a total lack of anything resembling logic. Best advice to anyone encountering a Ouija board: Break it in half and run in the other direction.

BEACH BUM (2019)

Another gift to the universe from Harmony Korine, the creative genius who previously blessed us with TRASH HUMPERS (2009). There is no need for spoiler alerts when discussing this movie. There is no story, no character development, and not much of anything else either. Matthew McConaughey totally negates any progress he made as a serious actor by playing an unlikable character named Moondog, who is an older version of the overgrown adolescent he played in DAZED AND CONFUSED. To accompany Moondog, we also have Snoop Dog, a rapper turned non-actor. Mr. Dog stands in front of the camera reciting lines in the same lifeless monotone he uses in his stellar rap concoctions. Isla Fisher, who proved herself a good actress in NOCTURNAL ANIMALS, dies early in this film. Wise decision.

INCEPTION (2010)

I don't want to seem overly presumptuous here, but there is a slightly remote possibility that, in some small way, I may have come somewhat close to, perhaps, reaching a kind of understanding of what this film may or may not be about. There were many explosions. An abundance of noise. Occasionally, people jumped off of buildings. 

At the end, everyone seemed happy. I'll hold on to that.